Wednesday, 13 December 2006

Italy: Fashion Capital?

so, there is this conception that Italians are all deeply stylish. And many of them are. But many of them, equally, are not. I've seen a woman dressed in tiger print and rhinestones at her son's wedding, for instance. This is not style. Recently though it's men's clothing which has been attracting my disapprobation.

firstly, a top I found whilst out shopping with my Sardinian flatmate. It's kind of unphotographable, sadly, so you'll have to work with me here. Imagine a normal blue pin-stripe shirt, with standard collar and cuffs, a bit city-boy but inoffensive. Now imagine a plain green long-sleeved t-shirt. Ok? with me so far?

Now take a pair of scissors and cut each in half, slicing through them entirely , in cross-section if you will. Then sew the back of the t-shirt, including the back portion of the sleeves, onto the front half of the shirt, including the front portion of the sleeves. Emphasise the brutal ugliness of the abomination by putting all the new seams on the outside. Then ritually burn. Sadly the manufacturers omitted this vital last step. Instead they have put them on sale at €120 a time.

Perhaps the ideal trousers to model with this top are those reported to me by a visitor. He was waiting outside the Metro by my house when "this guy started coming up the stairs and I noticed his jeans. They had appliquéd brightly coloured individual letters on them so that as he climbed the stairs letter by letter the full horror was revealed." In large child-like writing, all the way down one leg, on a pair of carefully distressed jeans, was stitched the message "clothes maketh the man." WOW! Hubris jeans! Containing within them the seeds of their own downfall! Auto-elimination from the style stakes, and saving us the bother of making negative assumptions about him as a person too. Why not just write WANKER on your t-shirt and have doen with it? I love it and am only sorry that I missed them myself.


Under the jeans & top combo (to be finished with a pair of these highly tasteful and yet distressingly ubiquitous gold shiny Bikkemberg trainers) this EXTREMELY special pair of pants should perhaps be worn:


Ignore if you can (quiet at the back ladies) the hotness of the model, and focus a moment on the GOLD EMBROIDERED BAROQUE FIG LEAF pants. On the back, it transpires, there are two more embroidered leaves, one squarely on each butt cheek. Yes these are MEN'S PANTS covered in gold embroidery, adn gold elastic at the top. No I didn't invent them, they're real.

hahahahahahhahahahaha

*breathe*

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

did I mention HAHAHAHAHAHAHA?

if I went home with a man and he undressed to reveal those I would die laughing. And boys, how cocky (perhaps literally) would you have to be to think wearing of these?! The same shop also offers, for men, sheer black mesh with velour trim; multi-coloured cowboy boot print; army green with strategically positioned sergeant's stripes on the front. But these win hands down.

So this ensemble should be completed perhaps with one of those badly bleached tufty mullets currently besmirching the heads of young men across Italy, and accessorised with a giant fake diamond earring à la Beckham circa 2003. BELLISSIMO!!

6 comments:

deVertalerin said...

The model is clearly looking at them with some distress, though.

We (just) managed to win against Wigan tonight, go us!

a.c.t said...

Hahahaha great post. I've often wondered what all the fuss is about myself. Personally I find the Italians amongst the least fashionable on the planet. Some boys still wear bleached jeans bless 'em. So there's those who can't dress and those who can but are clones. Where's the inbeween? I know where, London!

I could strangle those cocky little gits when they say 'Gli ingesi non sanno come vestirsi'.

Anonymous said...

I reckon it is a bit of a tightrope really. Sometimes Italians dress so well they put the rest of the world to shame. But other times it is so over the top that the shame is entirely their own.

A middle ground, perhaps, is what is required. Like the down-to-earth common sense of the Scots combined with the Italian outlandishness, maybe...

Anonymous said...

An interesting post, especially for the ladies at the end. lol.

Thats something that I found strange when I visited Italy. I expected all Italian men to be wonderfully dressed and immaculate and so on. I guess I believed the stereotype. I found a lot of the men wearing clothes more closely associated with England, the amount of English flags and USA flags on tshirts was amazing, something we'd associate with the Chav look. Very unexpected. I generally found the older men dressed 'well', but the younger guys (18-25) dressed in the style noted above.


Not that I'm any fashionista you understand!!!!!

By the way, thanks a lot for the comment on my blog. Again, thanks. Neil...

* (asterisk) said...

I'm not sure those undies would go with my beer belly!

Anonymous said...

kewllll... I like em ! I think an Everton shirt might spoil the look though.