Sunday, 17 September 2006

introspection of the day

OK here’s the honest truth. I’m not very good at handling rejection – which of us is? – but not so much because I feel crushed and worthless and dismayed. In all sincerity my problem is that I genuinely don’t actually understand it. My reaction tends towards disbelief and perplexity rather than despair and self-denigration.

There’s no way of saying this that doesn’t make me sound obnoxious. But, let’s be honest about this, I’m attractive, intelligent, educated, well-read, sometimes funny, I’m a caring friend, I have great tits, I’m good company, I dress well, I’m great in bed, I’m sociable, I’m friendly, I’m affectionate, I’m interested in a huge range of topics from the serious to the frivolous, I can hold a conversation with anyone in English or Italian, and am frankly a more interesting person than many. I can cook, dance, sew, read a map, explain the offside rule, choose a decent red wine, look after children and fillet a fish. I am not clingy, obsessive, stalky or weird (other than about the first world war). I don’t put people down, bore on about my pet obsessions, neglect to wash or encroach on people’s personal physical or psychological space.

I can of course understand people who are just totally uninterested. That’s fine. But I can’t understand the sudden total abandonment of interest thing because a) it makes no rational sense and b) what’s not to like? (other than this particular attitude of mine)

I mean of course I have heaps of faults. I’m fantastically lazy, disorganised, permanently late, forgetful, tediously introspective, argumentative, frequently depressed, inclined to didacticism and intermittently arrogant, bitchy and dismissive. I’m not trying to claim I’m perfect, far from it. But, overall, I’m a great package. Really.

This is quite hard to say. Because it sounds vile. But I actually don’t understand why on, say, Saturday you might really like me and really want to see me and by Wednesday you might have totally changed your mind. Unless I’d done something awful in the interim, which, y’know, I’m sure I would have noticed. *mystified*

So, this is the kind of innermost thought I don't usually share with anyone, for obvious reasons. But I'm in a hell, fuck it, sort of a mood. So there you go.

8 comments:

a.c.t said...

To be honest, it does sound a tad obnoxious, but I like that cos that's how I see myself.
If that's how you really are then if I'd met you on Saturday, by Wednesday I'd wanna have you in my house.If we're talking Italian men here then fuck 'em. They don't even know how to wipe their own arses without mamma's help. If we're talking people in general then who knows, everybody's got issues. It's taken a few heartaches and the like to find the right person (I know that sounds soppy as hell) but it will happen. Hang in there SP. :-)

a.c.t said...

Oh dear, that comment sounds a bit harsh in the cold light of day - not all Italian men are like that of course (just in case it causes friction amongst any Italian male readers :-P ). I was a little drunk after celebrating Arsenal's win yesterday.

De Vertalerin said...

a.c.t wasn't the only one celebrating Arsenal's win. We played so well, too, which makes it even better.

I can only repeat: men, fuck 'em. Surely it has occurred to you that your beauty, wit, erudition and ability to explain the off-side rule can make you totally terrifying?

Spangly Princess said...

allo act good to see you back again

DeV: not a plausible explanation in this circumstance, alas

garibaldy said...

Why let it bother you? Your problem is not arrogance, but insufficient arrogance, it seems to me.

Patrick Porter said...

bugger.

sounds like he cast away a pearl richer than all his tribe.

I would have reacted the same way exactly, except for the self-criticism part at the end.

Continue to think highly of yourself, have a martini and watch 10 videos.

Red said...

It is not easy to find a man who can take on a confident, intelligent, witty, articulate and all the rest woman. It takes balls, and frankly, from my experience, most men prefer a quiet life with a surrendering type.

So what... as cliched as it sounds, it really is his loss. And so much better for you to find that out at this early stage than a few months down the line, when you might have started caring.

Hang in there. They are rare, but there are some men (I even met an Italian one once!) who want to be challenged intellectually and taken for the ride of their lives (in the best sense of the word) by a gutsy woman. I think your description of yourself makes you sound gorgeous. Bellissima.

* (asterisk) said...

Hey, SP. Chin up, girl. People have to take you for what you are, and if they can't, then they ain't worth shit. Fuck 'em.