I'm afraid to tell you that it's the end of the world. Imminently. It must be. There is absolutely no other explanation, not the hint of a shadow of a suspicion of an excuse for a reason for today's extraordinary events.
Two of the world's best players - two internationally acclaimed fuoriclassi - both 22, both utterly fantastic, exciting, supertalented, Argentinian geniuses, have today announced that they are signing for....
... West Ham.
Yes, that West Ham. The ones in East London. Claret and blue. Bubbles. Bobby Moore. Di Canio. The Boleyn Stadium.
Also, as of today, Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano. Yes.
WHAT THE BUGGERY FUCK IS GOING ON???????
In other news, Ronaldinho has announced his lifelong desire to play for Barnet.*
*this is not true. Unfortunately, the first annoucement is. I need to tell you this since the lines between fantasy and reality appear to have irrevocably broken down.
It's not that I'm bitter. Although I am of course extremely bitter. I'm more TOTALLY GOBSMACKED. It's lucky I usually sit down when I'm at the computer or I might have fallen over when I read the news. Alan Pardew has found a way to turn Championship Manager - where I once signed Vieira for Notts County - into the real world.
I can't even think about Nonda to Blackburn on loan or any of the other transfer deadline day news or the Kierkegaard I wanted to tell you about I'm too confused and bewildered.